Maggie driving, both exhausted, silence...
(Bonnie yawns)
Maggie: Say something to keep me awake.
Bonnie: You say something to keep ME awake.
Maggie: But I'm driving! It should be you talking.
Bonnie: Maggie... if you're talking to me, you're gonna be awake either way.
Maggie: Oh yeah.
(Long pause)
Maggie: (excited) Guess what?! I learned what 69 means!
(Bonnie laughing so hard she makes no sound while attempting to get air....)
Maggie: (oblivious) I mean... I knew what it was, I just didn't know it was called a 69. But my friends demonstrated over dinner with spoons!
(Bonnie now falling over, face squished to window in fits of laughter)
Maggie: (still oblivious) I also learned what teabagging is!!
(Tears start rolling down Bonnie's face...)
Maggie: (continuing) That's sooo gross! Ulgh!
Bonnie: (regaining composure) So I take it you've never done that?
Maggie: No........ (pause) well..... teabagging anyway.....
Monday, May 14, 2012
The Belt Goes Moo
At work opening a large shipment of new leather belts.
Bonnie: Wow! Smell all the cow we got going on here!
Maggie: What?
Bonnie: Cow. You know... leather..... cows...
Maggie: Wait. Leather comes from COWS?!
Bonnie: Maggie.... you didn't know leather came from cows?
Maggie: No! I just thought it was a material.
Bonnie: It is a material.
Maggie: No.....like.... man made. Like cotton or silk.
Bonnie: Cotton and silk are not man made. They come from natural sources. Pleather is man made. Leather is from cows.
Maggie: No way! I didn't know that. (pause) So what comes from pigs?
Bonnie: Polyester.
Maggie: Really??
Bonnie: No.
Bonnie: Wow! Smell all the cow we got going on here!
Maggie: What?
Bonnie: Cow. You know... leather..... cows...
Maggie: Wait. Leather comes from COWS?!
Bonnie: Maggie.... you didn't know leather came from cows?
Maggie: No! I just thought it was a material.
Bonnie: It is a material.
Maggie: No.....like.... man made. Like cotton or silk.
Bonnie: Cotton and silk are not man made. They come from natural sources. Pleather is man made. Leather is from cows.
Maggie: No way! I didn't know that. (pause) So what comes from pigs?
Bonnie: Polyester.
Maggie: Really??
Bonnie: No.
Sound of the Wind
Driving along an open field...
Bonnie: Look at that large meadow! It makes me want to frolic in it!
Maggie: Like that movie? Gone With The Wind?
Bonnie: No, not like Gone With the Wind. It's like The Sound of Music.
Maggie: Oh yeah. Isn't it like the same thing??
Bonnie: Not at all. That's like a completely different place and era. And storyline.
Maggie: Oh. (pause) That's a really long movie.
Bonnie: Yes, it is.
Maggie: (pause) You know that Mary Poppins comes on every year on Thanksgiving.
Bonnie: What??
Maggie: Mary Poppins. It plays every Thanksgiving.
Bonnie: I heard you... but how does Mary Poppins have anything to do with the movies we were talking about?
Maggie: I was just sayin'!
(Bonnie looks strangely at Maggie)
Maggie: It's the same lady!!
Bonnie: Don't bring Julie Andrews into this...
Bonnie: Look at that large meadow! It makes me want to frolic in it!
Maggie: Like that movie? Gone With The Wind?
Bonnie: No, not like Gone With the Wind. It's like The Sound of Music.
Maggie: Oh yeah. Isn't it like the same thing??
Bonnie: Not at all. That's like a completely different place and era. And storyline.
Maggie: Oh. (pause) That's a really long movie.
Bonnie: Yes, it is.
Maggie: (pause) You know that Mary Poppins comes on every year on Thanksgiving.
Bonnie: What??
Maggie: Mary Poppins. It plays every Thanksgiving.
Bonnie: I heard you... but how does Mary Poppins have anything to do with the movies we were talking about?
Maggie: I was just sayin'!
(Bonnie looks strangely at Maggie)
Maggie: It's the same lady!!
Bonnie: Don't bring Julie Andrews into this...
Breast Friends
Maggie: You know... whenever I feel bad about the size of my boobs, I think of you and feel much better about myself.
Bonnie: Why, thank you. I'm glad my abnormally small chest gives you confidence.
Bonnie: Why, thank you. I'm glad my abnormally small chest gives you confidence.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
One size fits most
Making dessert...
Maggie: I only want one scoop of icecream.
Bonnie: Only one??
Maggie: Yeah....I want to fit in a bathing suit this summer.
Bonnie: You do know they come in different sizes, right?
Maggie: I only want one scoop of icecream.
Bonnie: Only one??
Maggie: Yeah....I want to fit in a bathing suit this summer.
Bonnie: You do know they come in different sizes, right?
Finger Flu
10 minutes after Maggie hurts her finger...
Maggie: Bonnie... I think my finger has a temperature. It's really hot.
Bonnie: It's called pain.
Maggie: Bonnie... I think my finger has a temperature. It's really hot.
Bonnie: It's called pain.
Butt Babies
On lunch break talking about birth control...
Maggie: Well.... if you don't use the pill, then what do you use??
Bonnie: If someone doesn't use a condom, you could do the pull out method..... or.... anal sex.
Maggie: You can still get pregnant!
Bonnie: This just gets better and better...
Maggie: Bonnie! You can get pregant in the butt!
Bonnie: Really? You think you can get pregnant through anal sex?
Maggie: Can't you??
Bonnie: Exactly how do you think this works?
Maggie: It all goes to the same place!
Bonnie: It needs to go through your reproduction organs.
Maggie: I know! But it's all connected.
Bonnie: Your butt is connected to your reproductive system?
Maggie: Isn't it?
Bonnie: Riddle me this. What is your colon attached to?
Maggie: I don't know.
Bonnie: Your colon is attached to your intestines from your stomach. Your vagina is attached to your reproductive system. There is no way sperm can enter a person's butt and get them pregnant. If that were true, I'd be a mother to the Brady Bunch right now.
Maggie: I am NOT doing that.
Maggie: Well.... if you don't use the pill, then what do you use??
Bonnie: If someone doesn't use a condom, you could do the pull out method..... or.... anal sex.
Maggie: You can still get pregnant!
Bonnie: This just gets better and better...
Maggie: Bonnie! You can get pregant in the butt!
Bonnie: Really? You think you can get pregnant through anal sex?
Maggie: Can't you??
Bonnie: Exactly how do you think this works?
Maggie: It all goes to the same place!
Bonnie: It needs to go through your reproduction organs.
Maggie: I know! But it's all connected.
Bonnie: Your butt is connected to your reproductive system?
Maggie: Isn't it?
Bonnie: Riddle me this. What is your colon attached to?
Maggie: I don't know.
Bonnie: Your colon is attached to your intestines from your stomach. Your vagina is attached to your reproductive system. There is no way sperm can enter a person's butt and get them pregnant. If that were true, I'd be a mother to the Brady Bunch right now.
Maggie: I am NOT doing that.
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