STD

Maggie: Hey, Bonnie.... I was so upset this morning because I dropped my bagel on the sidewalk coming up here. I didn't know if I should pick it up and eat it anyway because I didn't want to get an STD....

Me: Wait.... what??

Maggie: I didn't know if you could get an STD from the sidewalk...

Me: Maggie... you get an STD from sex! It's a sexually transmitted disease not a sidewalk transmitted disease!

Endorphins

Maggie and I shopping...

Me: Ooo! Home Goods! I love Home Goods! It's my retail therapy place.

Maggie: It is?

Me: Yeah... I release endorphins every time I'm there.

Maggie: Aren't endorphins things that make you want to have sex?

Me: No.

Maggie: What are they? Aren't clams endorphins?

Me: What? No... clams aren't endorphins. Endorphins are a chemical released that make you feel good. Sex is one of those times.

Maggie: I'm pretty sure eating clams is one of them!

Me: Clams??

Maggie: Yeah! Clams..... or slugs.... or something.

Me: Ok.... clams and slugs have nothing to do with what I'm talking about.

Maggie: Clams make you want to have sex!

Me: Wait....are you thinking about aphrodisiacs??

Maggie: Oh yeah!!

Nightime Clouds

Maggie looking at the moonlight....

Maggie: Look at all the pollution there. There must be a chemical plant around...
Bonnie: That's not pollution....it's clouds.
Maggie: Nuh uh.
Bonnie: Yes it is. That's a formation of clouds.
Maggie: I thought clouds were an illusion..... like light...
Bonnie: What? Clouds aren't an illusion. And neither is light. They both exist.
Maggie: No! I mean that I thought clouds came out only during the day.
Bonnie: No....there are clouds at night too.
Maggie: Oh! I didn't know there were daytime clouds AND nighttime clouds....
Bonnie: (laughing) Maggie....they're the same clouds. Different clouds don't come out at night.
Maggie: But they're much darker.
Bonnie: Because it's dark out!
Maggie: So clouds are transparent?
Bonnie: I can't believe we're having this conversation...
Maggie: (distracted) Look! That's where I saw the squirrel with the blue vest!
Bonnie: Oh my god....

4th of July

Maggie: I know this may sound stupid but..... July 4th celebrates the event of the Boston Tea Party, right?
Bonnie: What? No...
Maggie: Are you sure?
Bonnie: Yes.
Maggie: Then what is it?
Bonnie: It's Independence Day. It marks the birth of our nation. You know...when the Declaration of Independence was brought into effect??
Maggie: Oh. I didn't know that was Independence Day....
Bonnie: How could you not know that?!
Maggie: I'm not from this country!!!
Bonnie: You've been here for 15 years!
Maggie: Still!!

Fasionable Squirrel

Maggie: Today as I was coming here I saw the cutest thing!
Bonnie: Oh yeah?
Maggie: A squirrel ran across the street and it had a big bushy tail and it was wearing a little blue vest!
Bonnie: Wait.....What???
Maggie: A squirrel! Or at least I think it was a squirrel. It could have been a chipmunk.
Bonnie: No....squirrels have the bushy tails. But did you say a blue vest?
Maggie: Yeah! It was wearing a blue vest. It was sooo cute!
Bonnie: (laughing hysterically) You saw a squirrel run across the street wearing a blue vest?
Maggie: Yeah.
Bonnie: (unable to contain myself) Why would a squirrel be wearing a vest?
Maggie: It was a knitted one. Someone must have made it for him.
Bonnie: You think someone made a squirrel a vest...
Maggie: It must have been someone's pet or something. Imagine if it sang and wore it's little blue vest!? Awww!
Bonnie: I think you've been watching too much Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Maggie: No! I'll prove it to you! You don't believe me?!
Bonnie: I think you're crazy.
Maggie: I'll find it and take a picture of it.
Bonnie: Well, good luck with that...
Maggie: But not tonight....I'm tired. Tomorrow I will...
Bonnie: Ok.

Sky Trains

Driving past a train station....

Maggie: Does that sign stand for train?
Bonnie: Yes.
Maggie: What about subways? That's a train.
Bonnie: Yes, subways are underground trains.
Maggie: Oooh! THAT'S why they're called that!
Bonnie: Yes.
Maggie: What about the trains in the sky??
Bonnie: Monorails??
Maggie: Yeah....monorails. Where are those?
Bonnie: Various places.
Maggie: RI?
Bonnie: No..... there's no monorails in RI....

Pft

After having dinner and both feeling bloated...

Bonnie: Let's go fart outside...
Maggie: (excited) Let's DO IT!

Naive

In regards to this blog...

Maggie: People will think I'm stupid!
Bonnie: No...you're very smart. You're just naive.
Maggie: (satisfied) That's right! I'm naive! *pause* What's naive??

Mandatory

Maggie filling out an online form....

Maggie: It says 'mandatory'.... so I shouldn't put anything??
Bonnie: No....you have to.... it's MANDATORY...
Maggie: OH!

Rich Men

Maggie and I decide what to do for the evening. Maggie suddenly gets an idea...

"Let's go out searchin' for a man. A RICH man!"

I jokingly say...

"Well, then... looks like we're going to Walmart...."

Maggie being serious says back...

"Walmart?! For a rich man!? *pause* No... we'd have to go to Target...."

Picasso

Maggie sits down at the piano...

Maggie: I wish I could play piano so I can be like Picasso.

Bonnie: Oh yeah? Picasso? You know he's a painter, right?

Maggie (defensive): I meant the OTHER guy with the 'P' name!"

Bonnie: Ok....who is the other guy with the 'P' name?

Maggie: I don't know!....(thinks)..... I meant Beethoven!!

Bonnie: You do know that's going on your blog posting....

Maggie: No!! 'P','B'.....easy mistake!

Fake banana

I can't remember for the life of me how this quote came to be. I only know it was funny because it had nothing to do with sex or dildos. Maggie was eating dried bananas (which she dubbed "fake bananas" even though I assured her they were actual bananas that were dried) and I think I may have commented on how they're a good source of energy. This conversation may have come after an innocent conversation regarding Maggie not being able to find a good man.

Maggie: "See? Who needs a boyfriend when you have a fake banana?!"

Everyone looked and naturally came into the conversation thinking Maggie was talking about dildos.

BM Cleaning

In the car discussing how we should start our own business so we can leave our jobs...

Maggie: Ok! Well you turned down my taxi cab idea and our own parking garage idea... so what do you think?!

Bonnie: I think we should go back to the cleaning service idea and we get to dress up as whatever characters the customer wants.

Maggie: Yeah! We could call it BM Cleaning!

I start laughing hysterically.

Maggie: What??.....What?! Did I say something inappropriate?!

More laughter from me.

Maggie: Tell me!

Bonnie: BM Cleaning?!

Maggie: What's wrong with that?

Bonnie: BM stands for 'bowel movement'. Our maid service would be Bowel Movement Cleaning.

Maggie: Oh. Well....I was being generous putting your initial first!

Bonnie: Yeah....our tag line could be 'We clean your shit.'

Maggie: MB Cleaning??

First Base

Maggie talking about a guy she's been seeing...

Bonnie: Oo! So exciting! I'm so happy for you! *pause* So.... did you get to first base with him yet?? *wink wink nudge nudge*

Maggie:....... What's first base?........

Presenting Anus

Maggie: How do you say the name A-E-N-U-S? I have a presentation to do in class and I think it's pronounced 'anus'.

Bonnie: Uh.....don't say anus. That isn't right. I think the the 'a' is silent. It's probably ee-knee-us or something.

Maggie: Cause I don't want to stand up in front of the class and say 'anus'.

Bonnie: Ok....well don't. Say anything but anus. The 'a' is silent.

A couple days later...

Maggie: So I had my presentation...

Bonnie: Oh? How did it go?

Maggie: I said Anus.

Bonnie: You didn't.

Maggie: I did.

Bonnie: I told you not to say anus.

Maggie: I know but couldn't find how to pronounce it!

Bonnie: So when in doubt, fall back on 'anus'?

Maggie: The teacher corrected me. It's not 'anus'.

Bonnie: 'A' is silent?

Maggie: *sigh* Yup...

Do seahorses neigh?

Looking at a graphic tee with a seahorse on it...

Maggie: Do seahorses make the same noise as regular horses?

Me: Are you serious? Please tell me you're not being serious.

Kristen: Just say you aren't serious....

Maggie: I'm...not..... serious?

Me: You're serious!?

Maggie: I'm just curious! There are no stupid questions!

Me: Yes, there are. And that was one of them.

Maggie: Shut up!.......Well....?

Me: A seahorse isn't a type of horse, Maggie! It doesn't neigh!

Maggie: Ok! I was just curious!

Parkinglotgulls

Walking in the parking lot to my car..

Me: Aw! Look at how silly the seagull is walking... *does immitation*... He's so cute!

Maggie: That's not a seagull!

Me: Yes it is...

Maggie: No it isn't. Seagulls live by the SEA....that's why they're called SEAgulls!

Me: They aren't restricted to the sea, Maggie.

Maggie: Yes they are!

Me: Ok.....so if these aren't seagulls....what are they?

Maggie: It's a pigeon...

Me: It isn't a pigeon, Maggie.

Maggie: ...the things they release at weddings....

Me: They don't release pigeons at weddings....those are doves.

Maggie: Whatever...I mixed up the names.

Me: This isn't a dove either.... it's a seagull.

Maggie: Seagulls live by the sea!!

Me: Ok, Maggie.

Oatmeal

Maggie is fixing herself some oatmeal...

Maggie: I always wondered what oatmeal was made out of.... do you know?

Me: *pause* Oats.

Maggie: Oooooh!!

Breast Implants

Maggie and I are having a conversation about breast implants...

Maggie: How much does it cost to get implants?

Me: About three or four thousand dollars.

Maggie: EACH?!