Veterinary's Day

Maggie makes plans to visit Kansas City...

Maggie: .... So I'll fly into Kansas City International Airport on Thursday and leave Monday. Monday is Veterinary Day so I figured you'd be able to drop me off since it's a holiday. Is that okay for you?

Bonnie: I'll check my schedule. PS.... There isn't a national holiday for veterinaries.

Maggie: Ohh. I thought it was a holiday that Monday for the war people.

Bonnie: I know.... But what you said implied that there was a holiday for animal doctors. What you meant was veterans.

Maggie: Ooooh! I thought they were called veterinarians!

Bonnie: I know. I know...

Japanese Prostitutes

Looking at Gwen Stefani's Harajuku girls line of clothing at Target....


Bonnie: Awww! Look how cute these clothes are! This one has a harajuku girl on it...

Maggie: (disgusted) What?! Why would they do that?

Bonnie: Why not? That's the name of the line.

Maggie: And that makes it okay to put a prostitute on a little girls shirt?!

Bonnie: What are you talking about? It's not a prostitute.

Maggie: Doesn't 'harajuku' mean 'prostitute'??

Bonnie: Maggie, why in the world would they name a children's line after prostitutes?

Maggie: That's what I'm saying!"

Bonnie: It doesn't mean prostitute!

Maggie: Oh.

Sex Ed

Maggie driving, both exhausted, silence...

(Bonnie yawns)

Maggie: Say something to keep me awake.

Bonnie: You say something to keep ME awake.

Maggie: But I'm driving! It should be you talking.

Bonnie: Maggie... if you're talking to me, you're gonna be awake either way.

Maggie: Oh yeah.

(Long pause)

Maggie: (excited) Guess what?! I learned what 69 means!

(Bonnie laughing so hard she makes no sound while attempting to get air....)

Maggie: (oblivious) I mean... I knew what it was, I just didn't know it was called a 69. But my friends demonstrated over dinner with spoons!

(Bonnie now falling over, face squished to window in fits of laughter)

Maggie: (still oblivious) I also learned what teabagging is!!

(Tears start rolling down Bonnie's face...)

Maggie: (continuing) That's sooo gross! Ulgh!

Bonnie: (regaining composure) So I take it you've never done that?

Maggie: No........ (pause) well..... teabagging anyway.....

The Belt Goes Moo

At work opening a large shipment of new leather belts.

Bonnie: Wow! Smell all the cow we got going on here!

Maggie: What?

Bonnie: Cow. You know... leather..... cows...

Maggie: Wait. Leather comes from COWS?!

Bonnie: Maggie.... you didn't know leather came from cows?

Maggie: No! I just thought it was a material.

Bonnie: It is a material.

Maggie: No.....like.... man made. Like cotton or silk.

Bonnie: Cotton and silk are not man made. They come from natural sources. Pleather is man made. Leather is from cows.

Maggie: No way! I didn't know that. (pause) So what comes from pigs?

Bonnie: Polyester.

Maggie: Really??

Bonnie: No.

Sound of the Wind

Driving along an open field...

Bonnie: Look at that large meadow! It makes me want to frolic in it!

Maggie: Like that movie? Gone With The Wind?

Bonnie: No, not like Gone With the Wind. It's like The Sound of Music.

Maggie: Oh yeah. Isn't it like the same thing??

Bonnie: Not at all. That's like a completely different place and era. And storyline.

Maggie: Oh. (pause) That's a really long movie.

Bonnie: Yes, it is.

Maggie: (pause) You know that Mary Poppins comes on every year on Thanksgiving.

Bonnie: What??

Maggie: Mary Poppins. It plays every Thanksgiving.

Bonnie: I heard you... but how does Mary Poppins have anything to do with the movies we were talking about?

Maggie: I was just sayin'!

(Bonnie looks strangely at Maggie)

Maggie: It's the same lady!!

Bonnie: Don't bring Julie Andrews into this...

Breast Friends

Maggie: You know... whenever I feel bad about the size of my boobs, I think of you and feel much better about myself.

Bonnie: Why, thank you. I'm glad my abnormally small chest gives you confidence.

One size fits most

Making dessert...

Maggie: I only want one scoop of icecream.

Bonnie: Only one??

Maggie: Yeah....I want to fit in a bathing suit this summer.

Bonnie: You do know they come in different sizes, right?

Finger Flu

10 minutes after Maggie hurts her finger...

Maggie: Bonnie... I think my finger has a temperature. It's really hot.

Bonnie: It's called pain.

Butt Babies

On lunch break talking about birth control...

Maggie: Well.... if you don't use the pill, then what do you use??

Bonnie: If someone doesn't use a condom, you could do the pull out method..... or.... anal sex.

Maggie: You can still get pregnant!

Bonnie: This just gets better and better...

Maggie: Bonnie! You can get pregant in the butt!

Bonnie: Really? You think you can get pregnant through anal sex?

Maggie: Can't you??

Bonnie: Exactly how do you think this works?

Maggie: It all goes to the same place!

Bonnie: It needs to go through your reproduction organs.

Maggie: I know! But it's all connected.

Bonnie: Your butt is connected to your reproductive system?

Maggie: Isn't it?

Bonnie: Riddle me this. What is your colon attached to?

Maggie: I don't know.

Bonnie: Your colon is attached to your intestines from your stomach. Your vagina is attached to your reproductive system. There is no way sperm can enter a person's butt and get them pregnant. If that were true, I'd be a mother to the Brady Bunch right now.

Maggie: I am NOT doing that.

STD

Maggie: Hey, Bonnie.... I was so upset this morning because I dropped my bagel on the sidewalk coming up here. I didn't know if I should pick it up and eat it anyway because I didn't want to get an STD....

Me: Wait.... what??

Maggie: I didn't know if you could get an STD from the sidewalk...

Me: Maggie... you get an STD from sex! It's a sexually transmitted disease not a sidewalk transmitted disease!

Endorphins

Maggie and I shopping...

Me: Ooo! Home Goods! I love Home Goods! It's my retail therapy place.

Maggie: It is?

Me: Yeah... I release endorphins every time I'm there.

Maggie: Aren't endorphins things that make you want to have sex?

Me: No.

Maggie: What are they? Aren't clams endorphins?

Me: What? No... clams aren't endorphins. Endorphins are a chemical released that make you feel good. Sex is one of those times.

Maggie: I'm pretty sure eating clams is one of them!

Me: Clams??

Maggie: Yeah! Clams..... or slugs.... or something.

Me: Ok.... clams and slugs have nothing to do with what I'm talking about.

Maggie: Clams make you want to have sex!

Me: Wait....are you thinking about aphrodisiacs??

Maggie: Oh yeah!!

Nightime Clouds

Maggie looking at the moonlight....

Maggie: Look at all the pollution there. There must be a chemical plant around...
Bonnie: That's not pollution....it's clouds.
Maggie: Nuh uh.
Bonnie: Yes it is. That's a formation of clouds.
Maggie: I thought clouds were an illusion..... like light...
Bonnie: What? Clouds aren't an illusion. And neither is light. They both exist.
Maggie: No! I mean that I thought clouds came out only during the day.
Bonnie: No....there are clouds at night too.
Maggie: Oh! I didn't know there were daytime clouds AND nighttime clouds....
Bonnie: (laughing) Maggie....they're the same clouds. Different clouds don't come out at night.
Maggie: But they're much darker.
Bonnie: Because it's dark out!
Maggie: So clouds are transparent?
Bonnie: I can't believe we're having this conversation...
Maggie: (distracted) Look! That's where I saw the squirrel with the blue vest!
Bonnie: Oh my god....

4th of July

Maggie: I know this may sound stupid but..... July 4th celebrates the event of the Boston Tea Party, right?
Bonnie: What? No...
Maggie: Are you sure?
Bonnie: Yes.
Maggie: Then what is it?
Bonnie: It's Independence Day. It marks the birth of our nation. You know...when the Declaration of Independence was brought into effect??
Maggie: Oh. I didn't know that was Independence Day....
Bonnie: How could you not know that?!
Maggie: I'm not from this country!!!
Bonnie: You've been here for 15 years!
Maggie: Still!!

Fasionable Squirrel

Maggie: Today as I was coming here I saw the cutest thing!
Bonnie: Oh yeah?
Maggie: A squirrel ran across the street and it had a big bushy tail and it was wearing a little blue vest!
Bonnie: Wait.....What???
Maggie: A squirrel! Or at least I think it was a squirrel. It could have been a chipmunk.
Bonnie: No....squirrels have the bushy tails. But did you say a blue vest?
Maggie: Yeah! It was wearing a blue vest. It was sooo cute!
Bonnie: (laughing hysterically) You saw a squirrel run across the street wearing a blue vest?
Maggie: Yeah.
Bonnie: (unable to contain myself) Why would a squirrel be wearing a vest?
Maggie: It was a knitted one. Someone must have made it for him.
Bonnie: You think someone made a squirrel a vest...
Maggie: It must have been someone's pet or something. Imagine if it sang and wore it's little blue vest!? Awww!
Bonnie: I think you've been watching too much Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Maggie: No! I'll prove it to you! You don't believe me?!
Bonnie: I think you're crazy.
Maggie: I'll find it and take a picture of it.
Bonnie: Well, good luck with that...
Maggie: But not tonight....I'm tired. Tomorrow I will...
Bonnie: Ok.

Sky Trains

Driving past a train station....

Maggie: Does that sign stand for train?
Bonnie: Yes.
Maggie: What about subways? That's a train.
Bonnie: Yes, subways are underground trains.
Maggie: Oooh! THAT'S why they're called that!
Bonnie: Yes.
Maggie: What about the trains in the sky??
Bonnie: Monorails??
Maggie: Yeah....monorails. Where are those?
Bonnie: Various places.
Maggie: RI?
Bonnie: No..... there's no monorails in RI....

Pft

After having dinner and both feeling bloated...

Bonnie: Let's go fart outside...
Maggie: (excited) Let's DO IT!

Naive

In regards to this blog...

Maggie: People will think I'm stupid!
Bonnie: No...you're very smart. You're just naive.
Maggie: (satisfied) That's right! I'm naive! *pause* What's naive??

Mandatory

Maggie filling out an online form....

Maggie: It says 'mandatory'.... so I shouldn't put anything??
Bonnie: No....you have to.... it's MANDATORY...
Maggie: OH!

Rich Men

Maggie and I decide what to do for the evening. Maggie suddenly gets an idea...

"Let's go out searchin' for a man. A RICH man!"

I jokingly say...

"Well, then... looks like we're going to Walmart...."

Maggie being serious says back...

"Walmart?! For a rich man!? *pause* No... we'd have to go to Target...."

Picasso

Maggie sits down at the piano...

Maggie: I wish I could play piano so I can be like Picasso.

Bonnie: Oh yeah? Picasso? You know he's a painter, right?

Maggie (defensive): I meant the OTHER guy with the 'P' name!"

Bonnie: Ok....who is the other guy with the 'P' name?

Maggie: I don't know!....(thinks)..... I meant Beethoven!!

Bonnie: You do know that's going on your blog posting....

Maggie: No!! 'P','B'.....easy mistake!

Fake banana

I can't remember for the life of me how this quote came to be. I only know it was funny because it had nothing to do with sex or dildos. Maggie was eating dried bananas (which she dubbed "fake bananas" even though I assured her they were actual bananas that were dried) and I think I may have commented on how they're a good source of energy. This conversation may have come after an innocent conversation regarding Maggie not being able to find a good man.

Maggie: "See? Who needs a boyfriend when you have a fake banana?!"

Everyone looked and naturally came into the conversation thinking Maggie was talking about dildos.

BM Cleaning

In the car discussing how we should start our own business so we can leave our jobs...

Maggie: Ok! Well you turned down my taxi cab idea and our own parking garage idea... so what do you think?!

Bonnie: I think we should go back to the cleaning service idea and we get to dress up as whatever characters the customer wants.

Maggie: Yeah! We could call it BM Cleaning!

I start laughing hysterically.

Maggie: What??.....What?! Did I say something inappropriate?!

More laughter from me.

Maggie: Tell me!

Bonnie: BM Cleaning?!

Maggie: What's wrong with that?

Bonnie: BM stands for 'bowel movement'. Our maid service would be Bowel Movement Cleaning.

Maggie: Oh. Well....I was being generous putting your initial first!

Bonnie: Yeah....our tag line could be 'We clean your shit.'

Maggie: MB Cleaning??

First Base

Maggie talking about a guy she's been seeing...

Bonnie: Oo! So exciting! I'm so happy for you! *pause* So.... did you get to first base with him yet?? *wink wink nudge nudge*

Maggie:....... What's first base?........

Presenting Anus

Maggie: How do you say the name A-E-N-U-S? I have a presentation to do in class and I think it's pronounced 'anus'.

Bonnie: Uh.....don't say anus. That isn't right. I think the the 'a' is silent. It's probably ee-knee-us or something.

Maggie: Cause I don't want to stand up in front of the class and say 'anus'.

Bonnie: Ok....well don't. Say anything but anus. The 'a' is silent.

A couple days later...

Maggie: So I had my presentation...

Bonnie: Oh? How did it go?

Maggie: I said Anus.

Bonnie: You didn't.

Maggie: I did.

Bonnie: I told you not to say anus.

Maggie: I know but couldn't find how to pronounce it!

Bonnie: So when in doubt, fall back on 'anus'?

Maggie: The teacher corrected me. It's not 'anus'.

Bonnie: 'A' is silent?

Maggie: *sigh* Yup...

Do seahorses neigh?

Looking at a graphic tee with a seahorse on it...

Maggie: Do seahorses make the same noise as regular horses?

Me: Are you serious? Please tell me you're not being serious.

Kristen: Just say you aren't serious....

Maggie: I'm...not..... serious?

Me: You're serious!?

Maggie: I'm just curious! There are no stupid questions!

Me: Yes, there are. And that was one of them.

Maggie: Shut up!.......Well....?

Me: A seahorse isn't a type of horse, Maggie! It doesn't neigh!

Maggie: Ok! I was just curious!

Parkinglotgulls

Walking in the parking lot to my car..

Me: Aw! Look at how silly the seagull is walking... *does immitation*... He's so cute!

Maggie: That's not a seagull!

Me: Yes it is...

Maggie: No it isn't. Seagulls live by the SEA....that's why they're called SEAgulls!

Me: They aren't restricted to the sea, Maggie.

Maggie: Yes they are!

Me: Ok.....so if these aren't seagulls....what are they?

Maggie: It's a pigeon...

Me: It isn't a pigeon, Maggie.

Maggie: ...the things they release at weddings....

Me: They don't release pigeons at weddings....those are doves.

Maggie: Whatever...I mixed up the names.

Me: This isn't a dove either.... it's a seagull.

Maggie: Seagulls live by the sea!!

Me: Ok, Maggie.

Oatmeal

Maggie is fixing herself some oatmeal...

Maggie: I always wondered what oatmeal was made out of.... do you know?

Me: *pause* Oats.

Maggie: Oooooh!!

Breast Implants

Maggie and I are having a conversation about breast implants...

Maggie: How much does it cost to get implants?

Me: About three or four thousand dollars.

Maggie: EACH?!